My Family Is Suffering
Writing by Jason on Sunday, 30 of December , 2007 at 10:39 am
As I sit here at my computer, back hunched, ear plugs in my ears, a headache, stiff neck and tired beyond the ability to think rationally. The TV is playing a kids video quite loudly while the house is littered with toys and the air is filled with the screams and laughter of little children running around having fun. Anyone who has 4+ kids would know exactly what I am talking about! But slap on to that some good old fashioned suicidal thoughts, mixed up with some lovely mind numbing drugs and you got a person who just doesn’t care too much about life while constantly trying to escape the pain of reality, not being able to enjoy the “simple” things that life has to offer.
Why am I complaining so much? It is Bree that does all the work around here, she is the one “dealing” with everything. She is a legend, taking care of the 4 kids, Keeping the house clean, while taking care of me! Bree is doing a great job, no one can deny that.
Our kids are just the best and although I find it hard to even talk to them most of the time I really do appreciate them. It is very difficult for me and upsetting to see them grow up before my eyes without even knowing properly as individuals, because I simply do not spend enough time with them. I envision doing things with the kids like outdoor activities etc but it just doesn’t happen. I even purchased outdoor play things as Christmas presents that I could start to engage with them but it has not happened yet. Anyone who has been depressed or lived with a depressed spouse will understand what I am saying but if you have not I know that it is impossible to fully comprehend the detrimental affects of depression and just how powerless the affected person is to deal with life.
I don’t seem to have good and bad days anymore. I can’t remember what a good day is like, however I have days where I am able to cope with life and days that I can not cope. On the days that I can not cope I find myself locked away in my room listening to music and surfing the Internet all day, only letting myself out for meals and toilet breaks. On the days that I can cope with life I am able to talk to the children and my wife in a normal way and maybe just maybe have enough energy or enthusiasm to take a walk or play with the kids.
Category: Chit Chat
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Comment by Bree
Made Wednesday, 2 of January , 2008 at 5:35 pm
Although at times your depression is hard. We love you Jason and will always be here for you. And when you can’t cope with life I am here to cope for you.
I love you and don’t ever think otherwise.
Comment by West Virginia Lasik Surgery
Made Sunday, 13 of January , 2008 at 12:25 pm
Hey man, just keep at it. You have four kids which probably think the world of you. Just start with baby steps and work up from there. I know its hard, but don’t let your kids grow up without you being in their lives. It may be hard…but they love you.
Comment by Jason
Made Sunday, 13 of January , 2008 at 12:32 pm
Thanks for the kind words both of you, every day is a challenge and it seems so hard to balance work and the kids. Work tends to be my “out” but that out time can be all consuming at times and this is the problem. Although some may say we should have had only one or two children instead of four, however I think it is great that the kids have each other and they love each other so much and have such a close bond, which is really good!
