ReallyReally.net

As I sit here at my computer, back hunched, ear plugs in my ears, a headache, stiff neck and tired beyond the ability to think rationally. The TV is playing a kids video quite loudly while the house is littered with toys and the air is filled with the screams and laughter of little children running around having fun. Anyone who has 4+ kids would know exactly what I am talking about! But slap on to that some good old fashioned suicidal thoughts, mixed up with some lovely mind numbing drugs and you got a person who just doesn’t care too much about life while constantly trying to escape the pain of reality, not being able to enjoy the “simple” things that life has to offer.

Why am I complaining so much? It is Bree that does all the work around here, she is the one “dealing” with everything. She is a legend, taking care of the 4 kids, Keeping the house clean, while taking care of me! Bree is doing a great job, no one can deny that.

Our kids are just the best and although I find it hard to even talk to them most of the time I really do appreciate them. It is very difficult for me and upsetting to see them grow up before my eyes without even knowing properly as individuals, because I simply do not spend enough time with them. I envision doing things with the kids like outdoor activities etc but it just doesn’t happen. I even purchased outdoor play things as Christmas presents that I could start to engage with them but it has not happened yet. Anyone who has been depressed or lived with a depressed spouse will understand what I am saying but if you have not I know that it is impossible to fully comprehend the detrimental affects of depression and just how powerless the affected person is to deal with life.

I don’t seem to have good and bad days anymore. I can’t remember what a good day is like, however I have days where I am able to cope with life and days that I can not cope. On the days that I can not cope I find myself locked away in my room listening to music and surfing the Internet all day, only letting myself out for meals and toilet breaks. On the days that I can cope with life I am able to talk to the children and my wife in a normal way and maybe just maybe have enough energy or enthusiasm to take a walk or play with the kids.

I really did try to get here and write more but I have been too tired and busy. The kids are all doing well. Sasha is finally sleeping through the night which is by the way heaven, also she is now smiling and cooing OH SO CUTE. Samuel well he is about the cutest kids I know (other than the other three) he talks non stop learning a new word everyday he is very good at saying I dont want to or NO.

James and Letise have been learning to read so they are doing well learning their letter.  James can now write his name. It is amazing how quickly they learn to write. The truth is that I am surprised at how quick they are learning.  One proud mumma here.

We have decided for now to stay at our house although it is small and very run down I think that it would be silly to move. We pay cheap rent and live in a lovely area, I just am praying that the real estate works out some more issues with fixing things around the place.

Jason’s depression is going really well he has started on a natural calming medication that seems to be working better than anything he has ever been on. It is nice to see the kids so happy and see him happy.

We went to Queensland for a couple of weeks to visit family which was great. Had a lovely time up there with my parents. I do hope to in the next couple of years move up there.

Christmas is fast coming upon us. It is only about a week away.  I have brougt all my christmas presents and I am really looking forward to it. The kids are excited but this is really the first year that they are really excited about the presents and food.lol

Other than that I think that my life is going along well. I am very busy and really at times get a bit overwhelmed but on the whole things are great.